You see,there's this thing (a thing I can't talk about) that makes me very frustrated. This thing (the one I can't talk about) has made me frustrated for some time (oh, roughly 8 or 9 years). And since I can't talk about the thing, this thing makes me even more frustrated. If you will excuse me, I am going to go listen to some frustrating music, and be frustrated about the frustrating thing (which no, I still can't talk about). Grrrrrrr...

Lonliness sets in... again.

Is there a particular reason that no one even responds to my messages, emails, comments, tags, queries and the like?

I think I've shrunk.

Easily my most intense class: Faith and Critical Reason. Oh, my gosh. In this case, perhaps God would have been more appropriate.

Today I woke up to find the entire Plaza dusted with powdered sugar.

Okay, let's face it; I'm a nerd. Yes, I do watch PBS. However, right now they are showing a documentary about a supposedly groundbreaking for its time, violin teaching program and school. Of couse in usual PBS fashion, foliowing the example of such programs as from the top, the documentary showcases the talents of many young vituosos and child prodegies. I've seen the show (though I most certainly haven't watched it) air about five times over the past few weeks. The entire thing makes me sick. It brings back the same ill will I felt the summer I watched the Disney Channel at my grandmother's house, when they aired such shows as Totally Circus (a show about a circus made entirely of young performers), Totally In Tune (a follow-up show which showcased the life of teens enrolled in a performing arts school), and Z-Games (which featured creative young people inventing new sports.) In fact, I could even at shows life Outward Bound, Knock First, Switched, The Brendan Leonard Show and Endurance to that list, and even the PBS specials on the high school Presidential Scholars who won for visual and performing arts, another about the PA State Band, Chorus and Orchestra, and one on the production of a critically acclaimed, young dancers' production of the Nutcracker. I felt a similar emotion, a strange mixture of desire and disgust when I considered applying for the Interlochen Summer Arts Camp, but never did. I feel the same whenever I see my clarinet sitting unused in my closet, and every time I hear From the Top. Sigh. I guess each of these things, in one way or another, reminds me of my failures, and the person I want(ed) to be, and can now never be because it's too late. I don't know. It seems to be more complicated than that. Yes, most of these people were creating somthing. Yes, they represent my ideal self, but too, they were part of a community. It's not really what these teens were/are doing (I really have no interest in doing ballet, or hanging from a trapeeze.), but it was all of them, working together to create something beautiful. Don't misunderstand me, I don't want recognition. Each of these people seemed to have found it. I have not.